Monster Employment Index Declines in March

What a misleading headline.

The Forensic Astrophysics of Superman

Built on Facts

Dr. Mario on Universal Health Care

Could be one of the funniest things I've read in a while. From McSweeneys:

For nearly two decades, I have been a resident doctor at the Mushroom Kingdom Hospital, in the Division of Virus Research. Patients depend on my Megavitamins to eradicate a seemingly never-ending stream of horrible viruses. Under a microscope, the viruses appear multicolored, with gloved hands and feet. Sometimes, they appear to have demonic faces. In my nightmares, they laugh at me.

The other day, Nurse Toadstool and I talked in the break room over reheated mushroom casserole. She appeared sad. She mentioned turning a Goomba away because his health insurance wouldn't give him enough gold coins for treatment. Then I realized why the same viruses continue to appear again and again. Each time we turn a patient away for financial reasons, not only are we denying care to the poorest creatures, who often need it the most, but we're putting the disease back into the world, where it continues to spread. Furthermore, the patients I do treat get hooked on my expensive medicine. Mushroom Kingdom's health-care system has turned into a sick, addictive game.

Are we under one of Bowser's spells? A basic human need like health care should not be monetized. Even our pack dinosaurs and humanoid mushrooms deserve coverage—a healthy workforce generates more points and 1-ups, increasing the chances of long-term gameplay for everyone. Clearly, a forward-thinking health-care plan, as seen in other gaming systems, some of which I will outline below, is the right choice. Yet even Princess Peach is full of disinformation on the subject. Why? It's me, Dr. Mario. Fueled by my own self-interest, I prescribed my medication, wrote articles promoting it in respected publications, and played right into the HMOs' greedy hands. Here are some of the myths I shamefully propagated.

MYTH ONE

Mushroom Kingdom has the besthealth care of any gaming world

Consider the hostile planet Zebes, which the female warrior Samus liberated many years ago. The Metroid viruses native to that planet are as nefarious as they are diverse. Among the viruses cataloged are Side Hoppers, Geegas, and fire-generating Gerutas. But Zebes, a planet larger than the Mushroom Kingdom, has reformed its health system. Free help comes in the form of Chozo statues. Is there a waiting period to receive this help? Yes, and oftentimes one needs to fire a rocket at a red door just to get treatment. It's a small nuisance when you consider that you get an energy orb that grants full life. Not even my Megavitamins can make that claim.

MYTH TWO

Universal health care wouldcost us too many gold coins

In Sonic the Hedgehog's idyllic, vibrant landscape, all a patient needs for protection is one golden ring. If a patient has more gold rings, he gets more coverage. There are no hidden fees. At my hospital, the real cost is when the game is over. No one wants to play Dr. Mario's Paperwork Party, yet that's what I must occupy myself with when all the viruses have been killed. A study in Nintendo Monthly estimates that our administrative costs are three times higher than those in the most efficient worlds (i.e., World of Warcraft, Fallout, and SimCity). The single-payer multiplayer system would take care of these overheads.

MYTH THREE

A government-run plan soundsa lot like what Bowser wants

The king of all Koopas would love to take over every hospital in Mushroom Kingdom, to use them to extract Peach's DNA or create a horrific suit that looks like me to trick the princess. But government-funded doesn't mean government-run. I propose that we set up an oversight committee that would reside on Star World, a place linked to all of our lands. Its doings would be filmed by one of those Lakitu creatures, the sometimes-benevolent Koopas that fly in clouds. This committee would keep watch over the providers. It would see that free Megavitamins were distributed. Finally, it would research new health innovations, such as the powers of the rare Super Mushrooms.

- - - -

Hopefully, I have presented enough facts to explode these common myths. Time is running out, and we're far from a checkpoint. Every major video-game franchise except the Mushroom Kingdom has a system that guarantees health care to its citizens. It should be a major concern that strength in Super Mario Galaxy is gained through the collection of gold coins. We must have free Megavitamins, easier access to refills, and less-time-consuming ways to defeat the viruses. If we stay healthy, we can go on more adventures. And since staying healthy is the ultimate benefit of universal health care, I'll gladly give more of my tax money to the government. No cheat codes necessary.

The Bright Side of the Recession

From "The Recession is Awesome!" via McSweeneys:

Mom and Dad keep talking about this recession and I gotta say: it's awesome! Yesterday, I ate pizza for breakfast, mac and cheese and hot-dog cubes for lunch, and then more pizza for dinner! Mom said that I could eat as much McDonald's as I want, and she even offered to leave me there in the ball pit for an entire day while she went and looked for new jobs! Awesome!

Every day after school, I used to go to violin lessons, but now Mom says I don't have to go anymore! This is so awesome because the violin was so boring and my teacher, Mrs. Calabrass, smelled like the attic and didn't let me drink soda! But now I don't have to deal with Mrs. Calabrass or listen to stupid Brahms with her! I hate the attic—but I love this recession!

We'd planned to go to France or something for our family vacation. But now, since it's the recession, we're all going to Gilbert's Goofy Park and playing minigolf and going on the go-karts! And even batting cages maybe, too! I don't think France has any batting cages or go-karts, so this is an amazing, amazing thing! I think if I'm good I can probably eat pizza at Gilbert's Goofy Park! I love pizza and I love this recession!

Dad's been home so much recently and it's been awesome! He just wears underpants and watches sports highlights and eats Cooler Ranch Doritos, which sounds super fun! I have to go to school, so I only get to see him when I get home, but yesterday Dad and I played Xbox together for six hours! He started off pretty good at the games, but each hour he got worse and worse, and soon he started making weird noises! He even started saying his words all slow and jumbled like a crazy man! He's really having a good time in this recession! So am I!

We used to have to drive like a gazillion hours in the car to get to Grandma's weird big blue house with no TV, but now Grandma drives her new house over to us in her new RV! It's amazing! I totally didn't know cars could also be houses and have stoves and have TVs, but they can! Grandma has it all thanks to the recession. And so do I!

Man, I hope this recession never ends. Me and my friends always high-five each other when we hear an older person say, "Not in this economy," because we know it always leads to something awesome for us! This is the best childhood ever! I could live like this for the rest of my life!
I love this recession!

Very Good Sentences

"There are obviously many things that do not kill or use guns and who are not Batman, ranging from other comic book characters, like Detective Chimp, to people, like Gandhi, to inanimate objects, like my stapler."

-Jason Southworth, "Batman's Identity Crisis and Wittgenstein's Family Resemblance, Batman and Philosophy: The Dark Knight of the Soul, 2008

This is What Happens When Physicists Write Poetry

A Problem in Dynamics
James Clerk Maxwell

An inextensible heavy chain
Lies on a smooth horizontal plane,
An impulsive force is applied at A,
Required the initial motion of K.

Let ds be the infinitesimal link,
Of which for the present we've only to think;
Let T be the tension, and T + dT
The same for the end that is nearest to B.
Let a be put, by a common convention,
For the angle at M 'twixt OX and the tension;
Let Vt and Vn be ds's velocities,
Of which Vt along and Vn across it is;
Then Vn/Vt the tangent will equal,
Of the angle of starting worked out in the sequel...

Hat Tip: Build on Facts.

The Bare Necessities?

It seems that Brazilian courts are expanding the definition of what is an essential good.

(Link courtesy of that oh-so-lovely web clip scroller on the top of Gmail)

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Programmer Scorned

And we thought financial irresponsibility and poor investing were the only pressing items that Fannie Mae had to deal with. Reminds me of Office Space, but a little more severe.